Edge Of Reason

No, no - i'm not blogging on the new BJ2 (Bridget Jones 2) movie :) Though I must say it is one of the better chick flicks ever! The soundtrack is pretty decent - I just got it today! hee!

Do we live in a generation where we need answers for everything? Do we always need to know how or why? Can we accept the way things happen because its part of God's permissive will? Do we still trust in God 100% without question?

I find myself too many a times at the edge of reason...I've been asking alot of hard questions & demanding to know why things happen the way they do or rather how could some things happen.

Last week, I left my mission placement feeling very depleted & disillusioned. I could not accept the fact that my year that began perfectly well had come to such a sudden and sad end. Why did God allow so many things to happen? Couldn't I get an explanation? I really wanted an answer then. I got nothing. The more I asked and thought deeper, the more depressed and angry and hurt I got. Minutes passed without me repeating to myself I don't believe God let this happen. Why was He punishing me?

Hours later, I repeated God, this is not fair. I gave up so much and put in so much. Everything was going so well. The church plant work was bearing fruit. Lives were being changed. We were slowly breaking down walls. The kids were opening up. The work at school was getting less challenging for me. I kept thinking and thinking...and I was frustrated that the work of God was compromised as a result of church internal issues. On what basis God? On what basis did the main church have to come mess things up?

Days later, I repeated OK God, You win. I don't have an answer from you and it looks like I'm not goin to get one either.

Why did it take me so long? Simple. I was just stupid.

God is sovereign. I had to learn that. He allows certain things to happen. Everything had a purpose - though we may not know what that purpose is right now. For me, I needed to learn submission and surrender. To submit and surrender to the Lord all of me because all of Him is what matters. It wasn't the work I was doing or the difference I thought I was making. It was all about how much of God had I actually learned to depend on. Was I truly serving God, serving man or serving myself? Two days ago I wrote about the cross and the sin of self righteousness - that was me last week. I think I was at the verge of a Christian ministry deficiency of self glorification. I took pride in the work I was doing for God but what I shd really take pride in is GOd himself and my relationship with Him. Its easy when you are in Christian ministry to mix the lines of Christian service and a relationship with God. Serving Him does not replace a quiet time, being still and having a relationship with Him. I knew I was running low, I was constantly exhausted but still passionate, I was using my gifts but not with God's strenght but my own. Did I still have God's anointing or was it just another activity after another where I went to?

I had lost my bible 2 weeks ago (it was the only one I had with me) so had not spent time reading the word neither did I spend huge amount of time praying after Encounter Weekend passed.

My work appraisal came back last tuesday and had a review session with my organisation. Work wise I knew I was able. They knew I was able. They knew I rose to the occasion when needed and met every challenge that came my way. Alot of other team members were struggling with work but I guess as the appraisal said I was the exception. So I knew God was moulding me in a different area. It was my own character. He needed to break me so low at the peak of things to deal me. I went thru a trial - a major trial in my life. When Oasis told me that they have decided to take me off placement and that they could not relocate me, I was crushed. I felt lost. I did not know what to do. I was angry because I did not do no wrong. I felt betrayed because I felt so used as an excuse for people to take further action against other faithful servants of God within the church. I felt hurt by the people I trusted most. I felt I had failed. I felt I totally have wasted my time and my year. I felt my whole world falling apart.

For 3 days I was like Moses in the wilderness, like Job wrestling. Only, I was sobbing...I could only empty myself and felt as if God was rejecting me. U know, these 3 days were the most painfully difficult of my life yet it was the most defining moments of my life. It was a moment of faith - if I still believed in God or am I still able to follow this person called Jesus.

I repented, prayed and sought God in hours of solitude - and u know God does listen to us when we come with clean broken and contrite
hearts - and yes, when you cry out and moan to Him in your time of need, He is there.

I was led to read Psalm 71 and it was liberating - i pictured God audibly saying those exact words to me.

One week gone now , I have learnt many important lessons. I am restored. I am renewing my strength. I am slowly picking myself up and reigniting my passion one day at a time for God. I know now that passion needs to be channeled with the primary focus of a love of God as the basis of all things we seek to do. It is not just about the faith and courage and the eagerness to get our hands dirty to serve God because of a passion for lives only. But a true conviction first to carry out our passion ultimately out of a LOVE FOR GOD!

My initial doubts and fears of people judging me and people feeling so disappointed with me are now firmly cast away. I received nothing but love, assurance and support from my Pastor, my church, my family and my closest friends. Far from that, God himself gave me that assurance last Friday. Its all about Him and in His eyes, this is just a hiccup ...because He has a far greater and better plan for my life. It is a trial and how I respond to this will determine the road I tread on. I was reminded that sometimes we need to let go of the "lesser" blessings as such though painful for the "greater" blessings to come.

I still do think of the pain I had to endure. I remember how acute it was. And now, I am experiencing the joy of suffering...and I am experiencing God's power in my life so evidently. In our weakness, He is strongest :)

His hand is always upon us. And we need to always give room to God to do His renewal work in us.That's my encouragement to all of us.

Kenny Gan shared something so important last week - that we as christians are meant to BE the good news not just preach the good news. We are the walking good news. Let us not forget that our lives do matter and the kinda fruit we bear, the walk with are walking is just as important.

Let us all continue to run this race of faith together by first taking delight in Him.

Thanks for all your prayers. I am grateful.