Another Year Of Being Valerie!

The mystery of being me :)

Celebrated another year gone by - a birthday to remember I must say.

Rhema word from the LORD was "nothingness" and kept thinking about it.

I approached Sunday with a certain ease as I awoke at 5am. It was still dark. I looked out my bedroom window. It was a nice view of Kuala Lumpur with its city lights. I decided to switch on my laptop to see if my sister was online. Clicked on my Media Player.

Listened to Bebo Norman's "The Hammer Holds"

A shapeless piece of steel, that's all I claim to be
This hammer pounds to give me form, this flame, it melts my dreams
I glow with fire and fury, as I'm twisted like a vine
My final shape, my final form I'm sure I'm bound to find

So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that I'll remain
And cry a little, cry for me so I can bear the flames
And hurt a little, hurt for me my future is untold
But my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds

And the water, it cools me gray, and the hurt's subdued somehow
I have my shape, this sharpened point, what is my purpose now?
And the question still remains, what am I to be?
Perhaps some perfect piece of art displayed for all to see

So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that I'll remain
And cry a little, cry for me so I can bear the flames
And hurt a little, hurt for me my future is untold
But my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds

The hammer pounds again, but flames I do not feel
This force that drives me, helplessly, through flesh, and wood reveals
A burn that burns much deeper, it's more than I can stand
The reason for my life was to take the life of a guiltless man

So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that I'll remain
And cry a little, cry for me so I can bear the pain
And hurt a little, hurt for me, my future is so bold
But my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds

This task before me may seem unclear
But it, my maker holds

This sums me up :)

I believe that the Lord orchestrated my day to allow me to see from a pair of glasses just how "special" I was to Him.

It wasn't a day of big celebration with family, friends. It wasn't a day of eating, hanging out. It wasn't a day of photo taking. It wasn't a day of receiving presents. None of the elements above. It was a different sort of day. It was a day in appreciation of the Great Mystery and His work in my life. My special day indeed was encapsulated by the Him visiting me & revealing Himself to me.

Being a sunday, I was in church for the 11am service - all alone this time. The JYG wasn't around. Neither were the PM & his wife. Neither were some other closer church mates who were away at the COUZ and Kidszone camps. So it was quiet. However, the presence of God in the place was enough for me. It was my first real experience of "church" or a "community" as such after a long long time. I felt I had returned home. I have entered into my safe place. I didn't mind seating on my own before others whom I vaguely know but kinda have seen before kind sat down on my right and left...so that filled the empty seats next to me =) God spoke to me powerfully through the sermon for the day. It was as though He was personally encouraging and assuring me of all His revelation work to me throughout the entire week. WOW! I left with this thought - Deposit the "destiny" in your spirit man and work it out in every area of your life and you will have constant and continuous breakthroughs". In summary, the word for the church today - Do not let the glory of God depart from your life for when that happens, there are no visions. The greek word being Hazon means sharp accurate perception, pure spiritual understanding and insights/revelations given by God.

Of course, I could go on and write about my convictions abt the whole sermon but I think that is the gist of it.

My senior pastor and his wife met me individually after the meeting. It was meaningful to see them impart so much wisdom and love into my life. They examplified true shephards. I understood their hearts. God gave my pastor's wife a word for me - the very same rhema word He himself revealed to me. Later, when my pastor spoke to me, he too released similar words along the same lines. This is also in accordance to what Kenny Gan imparted into me just a week gone by. You know, it is the Holy Spirit revealing to all of us similar things and I am grateful for the privilege of being mentored by these people who are walking closely with the Lord.

I am entering into a season and period of "nothingness", of "resting in the Lord". For how long you may ask? I too asked this. Alot of people view doing nothing as a bad thing.But its not. I need to learn to focus more on the "being". For me, it is actually the most difficult thing to do. It is a difficult discipline but one I need to master with the Lord's guidance...Nothingness means allowing God to do the "doing" and for me to let go of myself.

Passion can be a double edged sword too. Passion that is mischanneled has led me to frustration, burned out and rob of the joy of serving and delighting in the Lord. It is true that I am beginning a new journey of rediscovering passion and reigniting passion - I am learning the ropes of being passionate about our Maker first. I was reminded today that we can be in the danger of taken on the role of saviour rather than let God be the one to fulfil that rightful role of His. Yes, we see a need, we see people, we love them, we want to make a difference so we feel we need to do something but what more of how God feels toward them. His love and compassion for them goes far greater. Sometimes trusting God for His perfect timing is so hard for us to understand. Why don't people respond to God and accept Him now? Is it our programmes? Is it cos we are not doing enough? What else can we do to show them God loves them? Funny how we think its all about us when its all about God. He is the one that decides! Just like how he decided with us. Do we still trust God for His perfect timing and trust Him to the work? We are mere channels and vessels. Sometimes it is not our role to lead a person to Christ. Sometimes our role is merely to plant a seed. Sometimes it is someone else's role somewhere along the way to water the plant.

Let us believe that just as much as we want to build God's kingdom, God wants to build it even more. After all, it is His kingdom. He has been building it even longer than we have lived on this earth. Man, imagine how much sweat he has put in from century to century.

I am rebuked. I am also humbled. I know that God is a God of totality. He never leaves minor details neither does He leaves anyone out. It is his desire that all of us a complete and restored beings in Him.

I cannot express my gratitude for the reminder of His work on the Cross. I know that there is more to the Cross than just it being an ideal of self sacrificing love. But I truly understand now that Christ crucified is the power and the wisdom of God.

These are my thoughts and reflections of the day. Being me for another year is another one of learning how to walk in the ways of the Lord with no compromise.

God does take our prayers seriously. I remember asking God before I went to bed the nite before for a overcast sky, for a rainy but not stormy but a cloudy sort of day. I enjoy drizzles, abit of rain and clouds. I can be quite a reflective sort...Can't you tell? Here's evidence that even the simplest of prayers, God answers.

Sunday, 28 November 2004 is special.

It was a day meant for me - though quite ordinary on its own =)

Thank You Lord!